Raw Meat

Human Sex Map

2009-01-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

Find out where I've journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!

Just so nobody freaks out, the pin in pedophilia represents things that happened during my childhood.

And You Thought YOU Had it Bad

2007-11-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

I’m feeling very… let down? Out of sorts? Disappointed. The Scorpion King’s been home two weeks, I’ve been home ten days, and I’ve seen him exactly one time for somewhere between two and three hours. I guess I let my expectations and preconceived notions get the best of me. I expected… more.

To his credit he tried to see me the day he came home, but I wasn’t here. Also, he came to see me within 90 minutes of my arrival at home. I guess that shows that I really do mean something to him. Or not. Who the hell knows? Surely not me.

After a welcome home hug and kiss we just sat here and talked for the entire time. We got caught up on a few things, I guess. I’m actually left with more questions than answers, though.

Nothing of a sexual nature happened at all. He said he was overwhelmed by just cuddling. I guess it would be overwhelming after five years of not really touching anyone.

The Scorpion King’s been spending all of his time with his son and his parents. His son took his conviction really hard. He became very withdrawn and depressed. He’s also been diagnosed with adult ADD. The Scorpion King’s son has been on meth and heaven knows what else. I just wish that he would realize that his son and his parents aren’t the only people that have missed him.

I really hate that stuff. Meth. It takes people’s health—physical and mental. I used to have a friend that got really bad on that stuff and she’s been through rehab so many times I’ve lost count. Now, her jaw shoots back and forth horizontally the entire time she speaks. It is very hard to look at her. She used to be really attractive, too.

Not only that, but I feel horrible because I think I let my best friend down while I was there. I didn’t mean to be more trouble than I was worth, not to mention expensive, but I was. And I’m so sorry. I tried to be a good guest. I tried to be helpful. I tried to be fun. But I think I failed on all counts and maybe I lost my best friend, too.

The neuropathy has really been giving me fits the last few days. I had to get up in the middle of the night last night and take TWO Tylenol and codeine pills because the sheets hurt my feet badly enough to wake me up. I just about came unglued when I brushed my right foot against my left. It's starting to move into my hands now, too.

To sum up: I’m home, (still alone because I squandered the last two decades loving someone who can never love me in the same way,) depressed and in a lot of pain. To think, people actually wonder why I think suicide is a viable option and consider and reconsider it almost daily. Heh. Guess you gotta be there.

Finally

2006-04-17T03:11:00.000-07:00

I finally have a clear picture of what, or rather who I want to be with for the foreseeable future. It sure took me long enough. I did it all.

I did the "good girl" life with a traditional marriage. We were supposedly monogamous, meaning I was monogamous and he occasionally wasn't.

When that was a dismal failure we decided to be a swinging, wife-swapping couple. That didn't work either and our marriage was over.

Next I tried living with a man. He had been severely sexually abused as a child and had the sex drive of an amoeba. It was another spectacular flop.

After that I played the field for several years fucking whomever I desired at the moment. Some lovers were reliable friendly fucks for months or years at a time and some were barely more than a genital handshake. Eventually I felt the need for something with depth. When I was unable to find the depth I craved I chose celibacy for three years.

When I turned 36 I had a mini-midlife crisis. I became infatuated with an 18 year-old boy that taught me I still had much to learn about my sexuality. I'd never been aroused by spankings before, for example. This boy with the swimmer's body and the big, hard cock had the ability to take me from standing at the sink doing dishes to begging him to fuck me harder in under two minutes. Then he started stealing from me and another train wreck ensued.

After that I tried to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with the man who had been my best friend for a decade. Had he not deemed me "a friend with benefits" who was only suitable for mutual masturbation and giving him oral sex (no reciprocation) I think it might have worked. My self-esteem over being declared, wordlessly, "un-fuckable" plummeted. The fact that he always had an "official" girlfriend that was twenty years our junior and always prettier than me only made it worse. I felt that if the man I loved more than any other on this earth considered me unworthy of true sexual intimacy that no other man could find me worthy, either.

Now my life had become a train wreck-- on fire.

I found the adult personals quite by accident. I had recently wiped my computer and the pop-up blocker hadn't been installed yet. The ad seemed interesting so I browsed the site. I became enthralled. I joined and in no time had dozens of men responding to my ad.

I met many of them and had sex of one sort or another with several of that subset. I even fell in love with one of them. A boy (yes, younger men have become a major fetish of mine) in his early 20's. He was brilliant, a genius, even. Unfortunately, I equated intelligence with maturity. It was not to come to fruition. One night of the most amazingly connected sex of my life was all that was to be.

A few months later I met another young man, with another amazing body and another perfect cock. By this time I had discovered that bisexual men and gay porn really turned me on. This young man claimed to be bi and said that he would be open to experimenting with inviting another young, bi man to join us. Unfortunately, after our first night he told me that I was the best lover he'd ever had and that he couldn't bear to watch another man have me. So that turned into a relationship filled with good sex, yet frustration on my part. This was not the relationship for which I'd negotiated. When this one ended the self-esteem train wreck was merely a smoldering pile of ash.

In the meantime, I'd been contacted by someone for whom I felt I had been made. While he was older than me he was someone I'd been taught was the ideal husband my entire life-- The Jewish Doctor. He almost was, too.

Nice cock, check. Easy on the eyes, check. Good provider, double check. Kinky, triple check. His desire for our relationship was for me to be the dominant partner in our home. He wanted a wife that would appear to be a "normal" wife, candle lighting and family Shabbos dinners on Friday nights, and yes, even baking challah. His kinks came in the form of a cuckhold fetish.

He was a doctor at a prestigious Ivy League teaching hospital and knew hundreds of male med students. His idea of heaven was for his wife to have the freedom to have sex with anyone she desired. Sometimes he wanted to watch, but for the most part he just wanted "clean up duty." He said he did require a monthly threesome with any male he chose. I was fine with all of this up to the point where he said that the first male of his choosing was his fifteen year-old son. He proceeded to start emailing me photos of this beautiful boy with a ten inch (!) cock to try to persuade me to agree to this arrangement.

I began to have nightmares about this boy. Sometimes he was confronting me for ruining his life, for making it impossible for him to maintain relationships with girls his own age. Sometimes he was confronting me for ruining his life by having his father arrested for child sexual abuse and distribution of kiddy porn. Either way, it was a no-win situation and I felt forced to contact an acquaintance at the justice department. In the long run, it seems that I may have never actually had any interaction with the father, only the boy. I'll never know for sure.

The self-esteem train wreck was being cleared.

Now I'm ready. I know what I want. I want to find a bisexual 30 to 40 year-old man who is brilliant, honorable, not a pedophile, a good provider and has a cuckhold fetish. I can be comfortable with him having male lovers as long as he plays safely, but not women. I would prefer to be present-- and shared, but it's not required.

I wonder, am I asking too much?

The Prince and the Witch

2006-02-28T04:06:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in a little farming town there lived a sad and lonely witch with a secret who only wanted to be loved. She searched everywhere for her true love. She dated so many men over the years of her search she lost track of the real number. She tried everything. She tried the bars, taking night classes, blind dates set up by friends, and eventually Internet dating.

After many disappointing meetings and a long string of emotionless hookups, she stumbled across a handsome young prince in a naughty chat room. He was charming, brilliant, beautiful-- and 20 years younger. They hit it off immediately. He was impressed by her DIY nature and the fact that she had learned to solder in order to repair a favorite sex toy. She was impressed by his loving nature, his sense of humor, his fun-loving character and his youthful beauty. Even though she told herself every day that it was hopeless and that he could never be hers, she fell in love with him. She knew all along that he was far more important to her than she was to him. She only hoped that he would love her as a friend. She dared not dream that he would reciprocate her feelings so she kept them to herself as best as she could.

They tried in vain to arrange an outing to get to know each other better. They were undeniably physically attracted to each other, she for the obvious reasons, he for the experience she had to offer. But for months, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't manage the travel required for a meeting.

One day many months into their friendship, the witch figured out a way to finance the trip to meet him. He was resistant to spending an entire night with her, but he wanted to meet. She was overjoyed just to have that much with him.

The appointed night came and they were both thrilled to be together and within an hour they acted like old friends. They had a nice dinner and then went to a great club to listen to music. She had every intention of going along with the plan and dropping him off after their date. It was all she could do to hold back the torrent of tears as she drove because she knew their time was nearly over.

As they got within a few blocks of his house, his hand holding turned to breast squeezing and the stroking of her most sensitive parts. He asked her if she still wanted him and she told him that she did. He got them a nice room and their first kiss let the witch know that the prince was The One. They made love all night, pausing for short naps occasionally. The witch was truly in love. She had never felt as comfortable as she felt in his arms.

The next day they had a lot of fun while having brunch. They both knew it was only a matter of moments before parting, but were making plans to see more of each other. The witch was ecstatic, at least until it was time for them to part. When they kissed goodbye it nearly ripped the witch's heart in half. She had to drive down the street and park her car so she could weep. Even though they had plans for future meetings, it hurt her soul to have to leave him. She was afraid that it had all been a dream.

When she got home she found him waiting for her online. He was as sweet, loving and kind as ever and assured her that it hadn't been just a dream, that it had been everything she thought. He signed off saying he had some things he needed to do and promised he'd talk to her in the next day or two. But that next chat never happened.

The witch was inconsolable and spent the next several months crying at the mere thought of him. Even though she was so incredibly hurt by his disappearance, she never said a negative word about him. She loved him, plain and simple.

Time passed and she pretended to be over him. She even convinced herself for a while. She resumed dating and even had a boyfriend for a while. The boyfriend was nothing like the prince, but the witch didn't care because she knew she couldn't love again.

Then one day, nearly a year and a half after the night with the prince, she wept when she discovered that he had been looking at her profile on the dating site where they met. With that revelation she realized that she was still as in love with him as she'd ever been. She knew he was the only person who could unlock her secret, and he still wouldn't talk to her. He still thought about her, his visit to her profile page proved that.

If only the prince would give in to those feelings, he could unlock the witch's secret and find that on the inside she's really a princess, truly worthy of his love.

Cheating

2006-01-06T03:12:00.000-08:00

I quit smoking almost three weeks ago and I've done really well with it... until last night. I so cheated. I went to the neighbor's and smoked. I hadn't cheated even one puff's worth the whole time until last night. Now I've cheated four times (about two cigarettes worth) in 24 hours and I feel like a failure. A cheat AND a failure.

What I really need to do is forgive myself and jump back on the non-smoking wagon, I know. I'd been feeling so proud of myself, too. Now I'm just miserable. Of course I'm hiding it from everyone. I hate this feeling of self-loathing. Not that it's not familiar, intimately familiar. Still, I wish my need to fail at everything I do would go away. Really.

Sick and Tired

2005-12-14T01:27:00.000-08:00

Yup, I really am sick and tired. Very sick and very tired. Not just physically, although a temperature of 100.5 will make one feel pretty crappy. Neither ginger ale nor orange juice is helping, either. Head-splitting pain with every cough.

I'm sick and tired of dating and everything that goes with it, too. No more lies, no more broken dates, no more, period. The latest one came online last night and I said, "hi cutie!" He proceeded to ask me why I called him that. Huh? He is attractive and I'm sure he knows it. I knew something was up with him and sure enough, he told me that we need to be just friends because even though he lied to me before, he has a girlfriend and is in love with her. Whatever, dude. You're just another brick in the wall.

Poetry, 101

2005-12-05T03:00:00.000-08:00

Indiscretions

I turn toward you in sleepy haze,
Your strong arms, they open wide,
My heart is yours for the taking,
Your thick love, deep inside.

Our legs become a tangled braid,
Eyes locked in heated gaze,
Hands roam all over, everywhere,
Your staff yields salty glaze.

Your lips so full and hungry now,
Your tongue tip, firm, sheer bliss,
You move your head down lower,
To give love's holy kiss.

I sing my song of appreciation,
In tones both soft and deep,
You lick and suckle soul's center,
I shudder, and gently weep.

And though I lie content for once,
I know you cannot last,
You're far too young to keep, my love,
To understand my past.

I madly fell in love with you,
Just once was all it took,
For you to steal my soul, young man,
My trust forever shook.

A Quiz

2005-11-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

Divine
You scored 91 sexability! That's ability with an 'a'.

You must be 90% devil 10% angel to get a score like that. You're so
good it pains me just to think about it. Not only do you aim to please
but because you like it, not because you think you should do it. Which
is the absolute ideal. Your miles from ordinary and if we hooked up the
whole planet would shake.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on variable 1

Link: The Think You're a Goddess in Bed? Test written by thecatinthehat on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Getting Better Just to Get Worse

2005-11-08T02:53:00.000-08:00

It seems that the never ending period has actually ended, which is great and I intend to take full advantage of the cessation. I have already set up a completely enjoyable gathering for the weekend. I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, though. I've had these things set up and even gone 30 miles out of my way and still had it blow up in my face. Group sex is almost impossible to schedule.

Anyway, now that the bleeding has stopped it would seem that in order to torture me even further my body has decided to give me an insanely awful toothache. I apparently lost a filling and then broke the corner off the tooth. The pain is excruciating, even when I take more pain medication than I'm allowed. Most of the time it's bad enough that if I owned a gun I wouldn't be in pain anymore. I'll be at a dentist tomorrow, count on it!

I gotta go beat my head against the wall or something.

Continued Malaise

2005-11-05T02:40:00.000-08:00

I'm still feeling really weird. I don't know what to do about it, either. I'll probably feel better if this never ending period would hurry up and end so I can feel uninhibited enough to get properly laid. It's been months since I had sex I would consider any kind of decent, and I'm definitely in need. I'm having a hard time not hopping in the car and finding one of my beautiful boy toys right now!

I can't help it. I have a weakness for those washboard abs, intense, searing eyes, the full, luscious lips, smooth, nearly hairless bodies and flawless skin. Their stamina and strength make them even more beautiful to me. My skill and ability to communicate my needs while reading their bodies' sexual response cycles makes nearly every encounter with each of them a new peak experience. It's been a while since I had one of those and I really feel the need. Plus, my powerful orgasms make them feel more confident and manly. They may be barely more than boys when they meet me, but by the time we are done with each other they are confident, skillful lovers who are well on their way to being every woman's fantasy lover.

I went to bed last night and fell asleep right away, only to wake up an hour later with a throbbing clit that just would NOT be ignored. That's what I get for going to sleep thinking of the Olympian and remembering some of the more memorable interactions we shared. He was everything I ever wanted in a sex partner. Tall, well-endowed, dark, handsome, great stamina, and the best tongue I've felt in years. So I masturbated to a multiple, squirting orgasm. I don't think I've had an orgasm that powerful since he and I were together. But alone, never. Then I was too amped up to go to sleep, of course. I had to get up and take a pill. Tonight I'm going to skip the middle of the night madness and just start out with a pill.

Discontent

2005-11-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

I find that I've become very discontent with nearly every aspect of my life. I am restless in my home, uncomfortable outside my home, and just no longer comfortable in my own skin.

My health issues have much to do with these feelings, I'm sure. I've been having issues related to peri-menopause for a couple of years now. For the last year and a half I've been taking birth control pills to keep my hormone levels within normal levels as well as to keep the continuous bleeding halted. However, this hasn't been working so well of late. I am having unexpected bleeding on a very regular basis. In fact, it's back to almost constant.

I'll probably end up having to have a procedure called endometrial ablation. I'm not looking forward to that-- at all. The OB/GYN keeps suggesting that since I don't want more children that I should have a hysterectomy. I DON'T want to have a hysterectomy, though. I can feel the contractions of my uterus when I have an orgasm. I enjoy the sensations that my cervix gives me during intercourse. These feelings are very pleasant and contribute greatly to my enjoyment of sex.

Oh, and doctors that say that the cervix doesn't have any feeling or sensation can all kiss my ass. It's a dead cinch that they are men.

I'm having a lot of trouble with sleeping, too. I'm either sleeping too few hours or not enough hours. I can't seem to find a happy medium. Other symptoms of menopause are rearing their ugly heads, too; night sweats, hot and cold flashes, alternating sex drive. I guess that last one is the one that's really driving me crazy. I can handle wanting sex all the time, or I can handle almost never wanting sex, but this rapid travel from one end of the spectrum to the other is exhausting.

Well, I took a pill that knocks me out about half an hour ago and it is telling me to go to sleep. So, I shall.

Jours Jejung

2005-11-01T04:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, yeah, the title is a bit pretentious. It is also very descriptive of the last several days. I've been shopping and spent more money than I'd wanted. I've had a few bland IMs with a couple of blander men. In fact, dinner out with my son has been the most exciting thing I've done all week.

I still haven't heard from Cute and Hung. The Olympian has disappeared now that I've sent him some of the more intimate photos from when we were a couple. It seems his hard drive crashed and took those photos with it. Backups are priceless. This is pretty much what I expected. He'd rather have the visuals and his own hand than the real woman, and honestly, I'm cool with that. I don't need to be jerked around anymore than I already have been.

I really wish I could get interested in the Nice Guy. He's within a few months of my age, he's actually bigger than me (for a change) and he's within ten IQ points or so, but I think I'm ahead. I fantasize about more intelligent men as life partners, but I could probably live with a man being within ten points. I just wish he didn't still have that "teenage obnoxiousness." I don't know why he hasn't outgrown it. I know that would wear on me quickly. But at the same time, he brings me mochas in the morning and sometimes a chocolate truffle to go with it. How can I not find that adorable? Plus, he's a reader and a sci-fi buff. Yeah, he's geeky enough, I suppose.

Then we get to the deeper issues. He was married once (briefly) like me and his spouse cheated on him, again like me. I think it damaged him more because he's had few relationships, or maybe it's just because the wounds are fresher. I've had dozens of lovers since my marriage ended 20 years ago. I'd be very surprised if he's even had one. He's definitely not as sexually experienced as I am, but then again, really, who is? Ok, perhaps people like Susie Bright and Violet Blue, but there aren't too many people that are in my league. The thing is, I don't think he can live with my need to be fucked senseless by two or three well-endowed, ripped, bisexual 20-somethings at a time. I think that might just push him over the edge. That's why it works out with the twenty-somethings better. They grew up in an era of on-demand, online porn and they are a very kinky lot.

One of the sexier among them, a barely legal boy of 18 and a college basketball player, once told me he hoped that I would think of something to tell him to do that would be too kinky. I suggested that he suck his cum out of my ass after anal sex and he said that would be the biggest turn on of his life. Then I told him I wanted him to suck another man's balls while the other man fucked my ass and then suck the other man's cum from my ass and he said that would turn him on even more, I knew I couldn't think of anything kinky enough to turn him off. Which was just fine with me. Mmmm hmmm. What a hot boy he is.

When we were actually together, we didn't manage to get to anything really kinky because his brother called about 45 minutes after my arrival to inform him that their mother had just had a heart attack.. Anal sex was as kinky as it got, although that happened within the first ten minutes we were in bed together. He'd gotten a great motel room; full kitchen, great bathroom, hallway, and a bedroom with mirrored closet doors, of which we took full advantage. I hadn't watched myself in a large mirror like that in several years and had forgotten what a huge turn on it was for me. My hips looked really good from a doggie position, I have to say, and especially while being pounded from behind. Plus, I got to be in my favorite position while still getting to watch his face.

It was just too bad that it got cut so short. I hadn't even allowed myself to cum yet because I was trying to have several more intense orgasms later in the night. He says he'd like to pick things up where we left off and very soon. I wouldn't mind, he was one hot young man.

Oddly, nobody has ever turned me down based on the fact that I have HPV, also known as genital warts. Now, perhaps they realize that it's so common (80-90% of women over 40) that if they've been with more than three or four women they've already been exposed, or maybe they know the sex will make it worth it. I'm not really sure. Bottom line is, they don't care, even though I make sure to tell them that a condom won't necessarily protect them from exposure. I have to say, as STDs go, HPV is pretty easy to deal with. It's not painful, doesn't create any open wounds or any symptoms, really. That's why it's so common. Most people that have it don't even know. It does really bug me when a guy says, "Oh yeah? I have it, too." It makes me think he wouldn't have told me had I not mentioned it.

Oh, I lied. One man did turn me down. He is a Chassidic Jew and he's trying to get married. If he were to contract HPV his chances of getting married would be nil. He really hated not getting any, though. I really hated not being able to give him his first orgasm with a woman in a decade, too. Some things are just not meant to be.

I just wish ~~something~~ someone would happen that would enable me to eat my cake and have it, too.

Interesting Development

2005-10-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

In an interesting development, the Olympic sprinter IMed me this afternoon wanting to get back together. Since I haven't heard from the adorable one with the huge cock, I might go for it. But I won't be playing any games this time. If he wants to be with me, he's going to have to do it all the way. No more hiding our relationship. I just can't do that anymore.

I can hardly believe I'm even considering this. After all these years and all those men, I know that if it didn't work the first time it won't work later, either. If the sex weren't so damn good (I haven't had *really* good sex since we broke up) I wouldn't be considering this and I know it. Damn. I'm so weak sometimes.

Memory Lane

2005-10-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

I spent a considerable amount of time creating a "Past Lovers" spread sheet in Excel earlier tonight. The numbers are getting pretty high. Not much I can do about that since I can't get anyone to stick around for very long. Well, at least not anyone I can stand having around.

It was actually a rather enjoyable walk down memory lane. I hadn't thought of some of them in years. When I look back it's hard to imagine what I found interesting about some of them. Then there are the few I would have done anything to keep, that still left... as they all eventually do.

The first one was not some teen love story at all. I was 14, he was 22 and married. I was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and never truly *felt* like a virgin, so I was just in a big hurry to get rid of my virginity. At that time, in the 70's, virginity was seen as an embarrassing burden. There was a joke at the time, "What's the definition of a virgin?" The answer, "An ugly 12 year-old." He was not very gentle, or caring. He was, however, quite well-endowed, even by my standards today. I remember thinking, "Is this it?" the first time. It didn't hurt and I didn't bleed like some girls do.

The last one was a total dud. No passion, no kinks, no caring and no skill. Just a big, fat, human zero. I didn't try to contact him again and neither did he try to contact me. It's just as well, too.

There have been some really lovely ones. The Olympic sprinter, mmmm. Lovely body, kinky as all get out, and deaf. He was really easy on the eyes, though. The first one to ever do the "cream pie" thing. (Look it up at Urban Dictionary, if you need.)

Then there were the men of my first threesome. A football jock and a basketball jock. Very sexy young men, both of them. This was back in the early 80's when this sort of thing was very uncommon. For many years I was the only woman I knew who would admit to a having had a male/female/male threesome.

I've had a number of sex-related injuries, too. Pulled muscles, near concussions when my head was rammed into the headboard, rug burns, rope burns, wax burns, beard burns, lots of bruises and bite marks and an anal tear. I'm sure there have been others, I just can't remember them all right now.

One of them temporarily lost his mind when he cornered me and held a .44 magnum to my face while he screamed about his ex-girlfriend, eventually calling me by her name. That was pretty damn scary looking down the barrel of a pistol that big and seeing the bullet in the chamber, knowing that a couple of pounds of pressure on the trigger and I wouldn't have had a head anymore.

Then there was the one that I was in love with for 9 years before he "lowered" himself to allow me to give him head-- every couple of days, for five years. He never did have intercourse with me, but got close enough to give me HPV (genital warts) before he got himself thrown into prison for 9 years for random drug charges and fucking the 15 year-old daughter of a cop.

There was the night that I picked up my father's cousin at a bar, only to discover (after several rowdy rounds of kinky sex) that he may actually have been my father. Long story. Mom's side, she was nearly raped after my father "lost" her in a card game. Cousin's side, she was more than willing, but after the fact cried rape. Either way, my mother left him before she knew she was pregnant. So, it seems that there are some discrepancies there.

Oh, and how about when I learned that my child and I had a lover in common! It would seem that he had experimented as a 12 or 13 year-old with his buddy, whom I (many years later) uh... poached.

A block down the street is a guy that is the father of a high school friend. He once tried (unsuccessfully) to pick up me, my mother and my grandmother, all in one week!

Yup, I've had some big adventures and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

One Year Ago Tonight

2005-10-19T01:51:00.000-07:00

One year ago at this moment I was in the arms of the only man I've been in love with for the last 20 years. For the first and last time.

We met online in late spring of 2004. He was yet another AFF guy. But this one was different, special. We had an amazing intellectual bond, the likes of which I've never had with another human being. He was, in all honesty, a true genius. He had 20 IQ points on me, easy. He's a grad student at Stanford in the engineering department.

We spent hours and hours in IM conversations over the summer. By Labor Day I knew I was in love with him, I just couldn't bring myself to tell him that. So, I did the next best thing. The one thing that made the hope of a long term relationship unlikely-- he wanted children and I already had one son who was grown. This is the biggest problem with older women/younger men relationships.

The next best thing to telling him that I was in love with him was to tell him that if we ended up in a permanent relationship that I'd be willing to adopt, hire a surrogate mother, or even go through whatever fertility treatments it would take for him to have the experience of being a father. He panicked a bit, but regained control fairly quickly once I lied and explained that I'd come to this decision just in general, if I ended up with anyone who still wanted children.

With that narrowly averted disaster out of the way, we grew closer. He became able to tell me his hopes, dreams and fears. He told me when he had a scary incident of unexplained bleeding from his penis. We never did find out what caused that. It wasn't a sexually transmitted disease, the doctor was quick to check for them all. He was cleared.

We planned our meeting for months. But as the day approached he said he wasn't comfortable with spending the whole night with me. I was hurt, but didn't pressure him. I just made arrangements to stay somewhere else.

The day came and I was as nervous as I've ever been. After all, here I am a middle-aged MILF, morbidly obese, diabetic and very low self-esteem, in love with a man 20 years my junior who looks like someone that should be modeling camping gear-- tall, dark hair and eyes, very handsome. Also well-manered, chivalrous even, kind and loving. Let's not forget the 160 IQ, either. And he liked me. Even after he saw photos of me.

I know that last statement sounds harsh. But I've had men just log off without saying a word after they saw my photos. I've also had men tell me straight up that I'm not pretty enough. I have good reasons to feel the way I do about my looks.

I drove the long drive from my home to a corner near his home in Palo Alto and picked him up. Our first hug there in my car felt like I was finally where I belonged. It was as if I had come home from a long, scary trip.

We went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and didn't even have cheesecake! We had no problems finding things to talk about because we already knew each other so well. Our dinner didn't exactly go off without a hitch, though. One of our dinners was burned, mine, I think. They held his and re-made mine. His was luke-warm and dry by the time he got it. When the check came, there were two. It was unfathomable to our waitress that we might be on a date. We got a good laugh about it and joked about blogging our experiences there on the way out.

After dinner we went into San Francisco to see a band that I had really wanted to see live. They are called "Dealership" and are really good, but deceptively simple. I had some rather bad directions in my Palm Pilot, so we wandered about The City for a while. Oh well, what's a trip to The City if one doesn't see the Ferry Plaza? It was ok, though. It gave me more time to hold his hand as I drove.

We finally found where we were going and we had a wonderful time there. He doesn't drink alcohol and had Red Bull. I drank 7-Up. I knew from our hours of chatting that he considered a drunk woman off limits, no matter how well he knew her, or how much he knew she wanted him. I was afraid that if I were to get tipsy that there would be no chance of him spending the night with me.

After we heard the band we came to see, and by the way, they were even better than I had ever thought they would be, he suggested that we head back to Palo Alto. I wanted to introduce myself to the band, but not as much as I wanted to be alone with him again. Even if for only half an hour while I drove him home.

While I was driving, he let his hands roam over my body a bit. I was so turned on I could barely breathe, but I was afraid to say so because I didn't want him to feel that I was pressuring him. As we got within a block of his house he asked me if I'd like to spend the night with him. I said that I would, but that I'd blown the hotel budget with a shopping trip to cheer myself up when he'd said that he wouldn't be comfortable spending the night with me. He said, "You know, I do have a job." I turned the car around on a dime. We found a nice motel, not scary, good parking and he got us a room.

We went inside and found a comfortable king sized bed, a table and chairs and a desk. It even had "mood lighting" in the form of spotlights that pooled light on the floor between the bed and the windows. It was actually quite romantic. I did my own little getting ready for bed routine with my handful of pills. He checked out the pack of birth control pills. I'm not sure if he'd just never seen them before, or if he wanted to make sure that I'd actually been taking them.

We found warm, soft places in each other's arms and kissed some very sweet and passionate kisses. If I close my eyes I can still feel his lower lip between my lips. We melted onto the bed and let our hands roam over each other's bodies. He struggled with my bra a bit, so I helped him take it off me. I managed to get his button-down shirt off without popping any buttons. I think our pants virtually fell off.

He was a wonderful lover. He knew exactly how to touch me in the right ways and in the right places. I don't think I was ever so turned on by any man in my entire life. We made love for hours, each of us eager to show the other that we could pleasure them like nobody ever had before. When we rested, we cuddled and stroked each other's skin. After many hours, we did sleep for a bit, before waking (fully aroused) to the warm skin of our lover. If I had my way, I'd still be locked in that motel room in his arms.

Since this is the unvarnished truth blog, there were minor issues. The only complete orgasm I had was when I masturbated for him while he watched and penetrated my vagina with his fingers. Then there was the issue of his very slight erectile dysfunction. Personally, I believe it was the embodiement of guilt. He was raised with very conservative, older parents who were very strict and clear about premarital sex. I'm sure that his case of ED will be completely "cured" when he marries. I am pretty sure that it wasn't a matter of his not being aroused by me. My own iffy orgasms were more a matter of being too excited by just being with him to lose myself to the sensations. His hands and tongue gave me tremendous pleasure, as mine own did for him.

As check-out time drew near I felt very saddened by the fact that I couldn't be with him any more. It took everything I had not to weep as I loaded my belongings into the trunk of the car. When we got into the car he asked me if I wanted to get something to eat. I think he wanted to extend our time together as much as I did. We enjoyed a satisfying meal and shocked the crap out of a senior citizen lady in the parking structure with some comment about how I'd sweated my ass off all night and his agreement with my statement.

When we did finally part, the goodbye kiss was the most bittersweet moment of my life. I pulled away, but sat at the corner and cried for a few minutes before heading back out onto the freeway home.

I drove home by a scenic route through The City, across the Golden Gate Bridge and up through Marin and the southern tip of Sonoma County. In 24 hours I'd gone 180 degrees from swinging single to monogamous momma. I would have been ~~happy~~ ecstatic to have never been with another man the rest of my life.

When I got home I jumped online and he was waiting for me. Our conversation was sweet, loving, a bit naughty and full of promises for the future. I didn't know that he'd never again speak to me, answer an IM or email, or even talk to me on the phone.

I don't know what happened. I comfort myself by thinking that he got scared. That he hadn't expected to have the feelings for me that he did. That he hadn't expected to, (dare I even think it?) love me back.

Deep down, I fear those comforting thoughts aren't true. I fear that the ED was a lack of desire for me; that any feelings on his part I may have perceived were delusional. The worst part is that I'll never know for sure. It will always be conjecture and supposition.

And the not knowing is killing me.

On My Mind

2005-10-16T03:54:00.000-07:00

I'm currently concerned with my unsatisfying job, my relationship with my semi-adult child, my relationship with my only female friend and my relationship with "The New Man."

Job sucks and I hate every moment of it. 'Nuff said.

Child is usually my best friend, but disrespectful and mouthy, sometimes.

My friend is the antithesis of everything I value. She's shallow most of the time, far to involved with herself, very selfish, way too interested in spending her husband's money. She's a high-maintenance "Barbie" with double-D tits and bleached blonde hair. This isn't how she was when we met.

She was just a psychology student, going to school, working, partying and constantly broke. Then she met her husband and he started "helping" her out financially. Suddenly, her life got much easier, and much shallower. It was all about the wedding for a while, then it was all about getting pregnant and then having the kids. She's a pretty good mother when she's not too depressed to care. I'm sure glad I'm not her husband, though. Between her compulsive spending and her total lack of interest in sex, I can't imagine how badly his life must suck.

The New Man is really where I'd like my mind to wander, though. We've been online dating for nearly a month now, and he's just amazing. He's absolutely beautiful, tall with dark hair, a perfect six-pack, smooth skin and he's half my age, roughly. Yes, he's quite legal. I'm finding it hard to be sitting here and not holed up with him somewhere. He's wonderfully kinky, bi-curious, and hung, quite literally, like a horse. Over the last three decades since my first lover I've seen a lot of naked men, but never have I seen anyone as well-endowed as he. I'm not sure if I actually believe the photo, or not. But I don't really care about all that anymore and I've told him as much. Honestly, it's what between his ears that's turning me on the most now.

We had a discussion last night about how afraid I am to get into a relationship with him because if I actually get used to having him around and inside of me, I'll be really fucked when he decides he doesn't want the old MILF anymore. He said he'd be the one that will really be fucked when I leave him. He thinks I'll leave because I'll get sick of getting hurt and being sore every time we have sex. After all, he said, a young guy with a really big cock is a lot easier to find than a woman who is as giving and experimental in bed as I. Apparently, I'm the first woman that has ever been willing to fulfill his wildest fantasies. He hasn't felt safe enough with any woman to share them before.

I've been up front about my particular kinks since the start. After all, we did meet at Adult Friend Finder. That site serves only one purpose, why be coy? But now that he's sharing his deepest desires with me, it feels like we might have something very, very good. When we met he considered himself to be straight, but now he's confessed his desire to explore all the possibilities of a threesome with another man. He's even being picky about the other man's looks.

We both want to wait to bring in the third person until we have been together for a few months and explored each other thoroughly. He wants to know how I like to be touched so he can tell the third person. He'd also like some time for some preliminary ass play so he knows if he'll find anal penetration as thrilling as his tentative solo explorations were. Somehow, I think he will.

I already told him that I'll probably fall in love with him and he's not scared of that. Surprisingly unafraid, in fact. He's actually welcoming the idea. This is highly unusual for me. After all, I'm the kind of woman that gets a few great dates and then after I've developed feelings and sex has entered the picture, I get the old, "Remember, we're still 'just friends.'" Actually, that revelation is usually stated as, "Oh. my. gawd! That was amazing! The [best sex/hardest orgasm/whatever] I've ever had! But always remember, we're just friends."

I hope he's for real. I could really use falling in love right about now.

A Fresh, New Weblog to Reintegrate Myself

2005-10-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've come full-circle. I started my first blog three-plus years ago. At the onset it was honest, unabridged and fully integrated. Raw, in other words. As time passed and it became more widely read and I became less and less anonymous I self-edited more and more until the original blog is so bland and generic that it had become nothing more than a waste of my time and that of my readers; all fluff and no "meat." In the interim, I had to separate my sexual adventures and the dark, depressive aspects of myself into two other blogs. In this blog I will attempt to reintegrate the many facets of my personality. I will attempt to remain as anonymous as I possibly can in order to maintain the honesty of this weblog.